The Last Lines

For Nipples, for Love

2009-04-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

In the end, Larry couldn't find his straight razor. I can never find anything, he thought. He looked at the quiver mounds of silcone and the gauze and the disenfectant and he felt despair. How would he give himself tits without the razor? He wept, and tried in vain to lick his left nipple.

Funny Little Bunny.

2006-11-20T21:20:00.000-08:00

"I have never had it so good," Tomba said. He kicked his feet up on the desk. They were promptly smacked away.

"Now you listen here godamnit," Jan said. "That is my godamned desk and you put your legs up on it one more time and they're going to be burned in the same godamned oil can I burnt your arms in." She smacked him in the face. "Got it stupid?"

He got it, he said, and bent to the plate to start eating his ice cream best as he could with just his mouth.

The Fishing Moon

2006-11-09T22:10:00.000-08:00

Lester stared at the thing on the floor. It was a fish fillet, possibly flounder, with a bonnet stapled to it. "What do you mean this is our child?" he asked his wife Bonnie.

"Well, after two hours of intense pain, I birthed this onto the comforter on our bed," she replied. "His name is Monroe De La Chancey." Bonnie stood, wiping fish oil from her thighs.

Lester tried not to breathe. The whole bedroom smelled like a seafood market. He decided right then, that he didn't want to know. Whatever it was, he definately didn't want to know. The world is always changing, he thought. Maybe this will change tomorrow.

Eye of the Chicken

2006-11-06T22:53:00.000-08:00

"Now that there is sure 400 goddamned chickens," the old timer said. "Ever seen so many?"

Evan was nonplussed. "Not in my car, no. Can't say that I have." He stared at birds, writhing against each other and the windshield and the airfreshener and Evan's cream-colored leather seats. "Now what?"

The old timer handed Evan a jumbo bottle of baby oil. "Now you get in there naked." It would be a long drive indeed.

The Solution

2006-11-06T22:51:00.000-08:00

"Ouch," Derek wheezed. He looked at his distended stomach. Soon the little baby that rode on the tiny donkey would come by and poke Derek in the stomach with an ice pick and all those puppies would come rushing out. The baby was paid to do so every other day and everyone agreed it was a satisfying arrangement.

The eye of the storm

2006-11-06T22:49:00.000-08:00

"Shit," Joanie said at last. She was right, of course. Feces was every where you looked. And whoever the culprit was, they had eaten a lot of eyeballs.

The end of the family

2006-11-06T22:46:00.000-08:00

"What a sweet, delicious pig," Lou's father said.

"That's not a pig," Lou said, sighing. "That's grandma."

His father looked across the broad platter of meat. "And yet," he said, examining a tender bite, "Delicious still."

Champ.

2006-04-25T13:15:00.000-07:00

Champ stared at the little elfen fairy that stood on his desk. Just like the old man had promised, a real fairy. It shook its wings and shimmering dust fell onto the desktop. The fairy winked at Champ and then mugged and walked around the desk like a little monkey. It stopped and peed on his calculator and started chewing on one of its toes.

"Christ," Champ said. "Of all things, I get a retarded fairy." He sat down at the desk and tried to peek up its skirt. It had balls and a tiny navy tattoo. "I'm no champ at all," Champ said, and cursed being given the name of a dog.

The Jelly-Jar

2006-03-26T11:56:00.000-08:00

Linda woke up at last, but she still felt very tired. Raul was sitting at the foot of the bed stroking her foot. He told her she had been asleep for days. A distended sack of flesh seemed to be growing from his midsection. It covered up half of Linda's left leg.

"Is that your stomach?" she asked. She moved her leg and it quivered and squeaked.

"Yeah, it just keeps growing and growing," he said.

"It must be very hard on you."

"No. It's quite soft," he said, stroking his amorphous paunch.

Linda noticed his nipples had become transparent. There was an eye behind the left nipple, and it winked at her. A tear rolled down her cheek. "When you poop," she said, "I think it will hurt a lot. But we'll have a new friend."

A love. Affair.

2006-02-01T23:57:00.000-08:00

It was in that final moment, before all of the roast beef was gone, that Winslow realized his heart was broken no more. He no longer felt sadness or anger when he thought about his ex. Now all that was left was to tell his guests that the roast beef was actually gamey and undercooked badger, and soon they would be very sick indeed.

The Satisfying Dog of West Caldecutty

2006-01-25T21:10:00.000-08:00

After many hours of waiting, Steve watched as the dog emerged from the bushes on the edge of the forest. It looked satisfied and tired. The bushes rustled in the breeze as Steve ruffled the dog's ears. He looked towards the woods as dusk fell. His mother would be out soon, and he hoped she would be satisfied and tired too.

With Kisses and Slime: Belinda.

2006-01-18T21:57:00.000-08:00

Paul stared at the floor. "What the fuck is that?" He was pointing at a blob.

"That's our new cat," responded Belinda. "Like it?"

Paul nudged it with the toe of his boot. It quivered and let out a high-pitched shriek. "I don't think it's a cat. I'm pretty damn sure, in fact."

Belinda got down on all fours and nuzzled the blob with her nose and cheek. "Aw, think of all the good times we'll have with our new cat. Playing and purring and petting." She had slime on her face.

"I'm not kissing you with that cat ooze on you," he said.

"You never kiss me anyways," she responded.

And there was a jello mold on the floor.

2006-01-16T21:08:00.000-08:00

--"So this is the end, huh?"
--"Yep. The endaroo. The endareeny. Got any clean pants?"
--"No. Why?"
--"My mom always said to be wearing clean pants, just in case."
--"I think it was underpants, anyway."
--"Oh."
--"And besides, you and me's nekkid."
--"Shit, I've worn less'n this."
--"Yeah? How's that?"
--"Remember that party? With Alicia? She had those tongs."
--"I'd forgotten about that."
*Clanging soungs*
--"Uh oh. The clown is coming back."

A non-ending post!

2005-09-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

I just had to point this out. But I just noticed that in june I have a Tina retching in "The Last Night of the Lobe," and then in September in "Right Versus Wrong Among Friends" there is a Tina retching onto the puppy that might actually be a horse. Two retching Tinas? My brain is telling me something. Unless this is prophetic.

TINA! WATCH OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE. YOU ARE IN DANGER OF VOMITING!

Okay, back to endings for next time.

Right Versus Wrong Among Friends.

2005-09-08T21:45:00.000-07:00

Tina squealed. "What a cute puppy!" she shouted at the little brown dog on the floor. It rolled onto its back, tail a-wag.

"All puppies are cute," said Sarah.

And she was right. Tina knew she was right. Tina was defeated. The colour drained from her face and she fell to the floor, sobbing. She retched dryly over the rolling little dog. "You bitch," she spat at her friend. "I'll get you. I'll be right one day, and you, you'll be nothing but shit. You think you're so cool. I'll show you you ain't nothing but garbage and waste and feces and slime."

The puppy neighed, swished its long mane from its eyes, and galloped off to distant lands where everyone was right.

Adventure's End.

2005-09-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

"My tongue is stuck to this post," said Chuck.

"But your speech is fine," observed Valerie.

"And so it is. So it is," Chuck responded, noticing that the post was not a post at all, but a slice of pizza. He threw it to the ground and stomped on it. "The adventures end here," he said, fist to the sky.

Melfina and the Skirt.

2005-08-29T21:07:00.000-07:00

"Oh Christ," Melfina said. It had happened. Her long hippie skirt really had just dissolved into nothingness. One of life's mysteries had occurred before her eyes.

And now everyone in the room could see that she was urinating into a jar filled with little white mice wearing party hats.

The Last Night of the Lobe

2005-06-08T19:53:00.000-07:00

"Oh God! I feel Dizzy!" cried Tina. She retched in a bucket with flowers painted on it. "Oh! I'm gonna poop a dook brick tonight. Ugh." She looked up at the Lobe. The Lobe had floated free of its vessel and began squirting fluid onto the walls, the floor, the window. A viscous foam hit the ceiling fan and was flung about the room in a sickening tempest of foul odour. A green blob hit Tina's thigh, like spackle.

"Oh man!" Tina cried. "This is the card player from last time who did the little dance by the toaster."

The Lobe sighed and expanded into the infinite with a straight flush and was seen no more.

Pablo and the Puppy

2005-05-21T22:47:00.000-07:00

Silhouetted by the moon, Pablo shouted from the dome of the cathedral. "Allow me to introduce...My puppy!" The form of a huge monkey crept up the dome as the townspeople cried out.

"That's not a puppy," shouted a small girl.

Pablo laughed and fell to drinking gin upon the dome in the moonlight, the sky wide and clear above, and bottle after bottle broke upon his breast, waves leaping closer to morning and light, and birds and the ringing of the church bell. In the light of dawn the monkey was but a wandering Nascar driver, who awoke, produced keys, and eased into a stock car. And then, an engine, the sound of wheels on gravel, the shadow of a car moving away in the sun.

Jo-jo and the sea.

2005-04-29T21:55:00.000-07:00

"Now suck real hard," Jo-jo said, as all of the sea creatures rose to the surface and nosed into the waves. He looked at them all. "Mmm-mmm, I am one hell of a seaman."

The Beaches were Peaches to the Farthest Reaches

2005-03-19T09:24:00.001-08:00

Amelia's bosom's heaved; they were so full of love. She looked at Edvard. "This isn't the apocalypse, is it?" she asked.

Edvard looked at the brightly colored ball flying through the air. "No," he said, "it's beach volleyball." And so it was, until the end of time.

Vegan Babies

2005-03-08T20:15:00.000-08:00

"This is a vegan baby," the lady said to Willy as she handed him the child.

Boy! Thought Willy, soy sure is heavy. He hefted the child about, marveling at how good the world had gotten at imitating meat.

"Yes, our daughter will never consume animal products," the lady went on.

Willy inspected the squirming child. "This soy-baby eats? Is this a real baby," he asked the lady, who suddenly looked confused. The baby spat something up and Willy flung the child away and retreated into the dark mouth of the culvert.

The Sandwichland

2005-03-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

The crowd roared and tried to move back, but was blocked by the police barricades. The huge cage in the middle of the town square shuddered and gave way.

"My God!" shouted Doctor McTeseus. "Everyone back!" But it was too late, mustard sprayed everywhere, and all of the babies began crying.

"This mustard blinded my baby," shrieked a woman who then caught fire and ran towards the lake, where she was taken by the ham.

The sandwiches had been loosed, and they were mad with rage and salami, jarlsberg, rye-ola fontina prosciutto, datta dayadhvam damyata.

Just Before the Tigers Broke Free.

2005-02-25T21:34:00.001-08:00

"See? Smell the cake icing. Smell it real good," Dan was saying to his son Chester. Chester smelled the chocolate cake as hard as he could. It smelled like chocolate.

"See? Do you smell the metal?" Dan asked. "I put a mouse trap in there to test you. You should be able to smell it. You gotta learn to be more aware." Dan stabbed a fork into the cake and it snapped into pieces, revealing a rusty trap with chocolate and ancient fur stuck to it. "You got to be aware of your surroundings or you will get eaten when the tigers break free," Dan said.

Chester looked out the window at the pen in the backyard. The pen was made of legos and glue and it was filled to the brim with tigers who were starving and starving and starving.

The Morning After

2005-02-23T07:50:00.000-08:00

"I can't believe we survived that dinosaur attack," Dancil said as he sat down at the table. His wife handed him a cup of coffee and he took a sip. He immediately spit the coffee out. "This coffee tastes the way urine smells!"

He looked at the coffee maker so high up on the counter. Either the dog had learned a new trick, or the squirrels had returned.

At Dinner's Close

2004-12-15T20:52:00.000-08:00

"This isn't ham, is it?" Richard asked. He stared at the thing on his plate, which stunk.

"No," Doreen replied. She watched something drip from the thing's side. "I thought it was. But I guess it's not."

The thing began to quiver and bubble and move slowly off the plate, trailing breadcrumbs and chives as it made its way toward some unfathomable destination.

The Fall of the Rise of Falling

2004-12-14T05:19:00.000-08:00

The secretary opened the door to the office. "Mr. Potatatoson, your son has died. Sorry."

Phil Potatatoson leaned back in his desk chair. "Is it Thursday already?" He wondered. He touched the fat on his thigh, and then the fat on his cheeks. It felt good. Good and soft and cushiony.

The Last Good Kiss

2004-12-12T21:17:00.000-08:00

"You are so doomed," the kitten said to Remy.

Remy sat down on the sofa. "Doomed," he said. Doomed, doomy doom doomed, he thought. Then he looked at the kitten, Patches 14, who had never spoken before. "My friend," Remy said, "My beautiful new friend. Come and kiss me on the lips."

Patches 14 did just that. It kissed Remy, and then pryed his jaws open and climbed into his throat, where it planted bee eggs and cactus seeds.

The Loss of Marmalade

2004-12-11T06:49:00.000-08:00

Timbo gripped the shaft of his spear. "Could you pass the marmalade," he asked.

"What?" responded Christine.

"Marmalade," Timbo said, louder. He tugged at the bottom of his loin cloth. She can never hear me over the fan, he thought, and by the time I get the marmalade my toast is cold. The ants climbed up the leg of the chair and kissed his titties before being sucked into the exhaust fan.

The Raindrops of the End

2004-12-09T19:43:00.000-08:00

The Weasel squatted, sniffing. I followed his gaze north, through the barrio. I knew the magnetic poles would be shifting soon. My compass would be useless, and The Weasel was the only one who knew the way back. But his stench was unbearable. Each time it wafted over me, I gagged. And the daily headlocks! My God, I thought. What bitter days we know as men.

The Doomening

2004-12-08T07:48:00.000-08:00

"You will never poop again," the alien said.

Sara stared at it and wondered how it had gotten in the stall, since the creature was at least eight feet tall, and broad. It loomed over her as she sat on the toilet. "But that's something people need to do," she said. But even as she said it, she could feel a warmth below. Her sphincter was fusing together, and she was doomed.

After the End of the City

2004-12-08T07:42:00.000-08:00

Gerald watched as the shape of the huge Rho Beast faded into the smoke from the burning buildings and into the trees beyond the city. Gerald thought about the itchy spot on his arm. "It burns," he thought, "when I scratch it too much." He gummed the bandaid in his mouth and tried not to itch.

Bobby fails to return to The Source

2004-11-16T21:56:00.000-08:00

"So my entire family is dead?" asked Bobby.

Yes, thought-responded the floating squirrel head. All dead. All liquified and bonded with the Source, which is me. It waivered in the air and stared at Bobby with a glassy, drooping eye. The insignia branded on your head marked you as a non-usable element. You can never return to the Source, which is me.

"Okay," said Bobby, thinking about sandwiches. His family sucked eggs anyways, he thought, as he turned and headed for the Tasty Shack.

The End of the Season

2004-11-12T22:52:00.000-08:00

"What'd you say?" asked Jo-jo.

Clara looked annoyed. "I said the beets are done."

"Oh," Jo-jo replied, thinking she had said something about teets and fun. He looked down at his dangling six-inch nipples like spaghetti made of distressed leather. No, he thought, teets are never fun. Outside, the herd began moving again, out to greener pastures and firmer nipples, always out and away.

The Last Free Day in the Mountains

2004-11-12T22:43:00.000-08:00

Tommy was turning squirrelly all the sudden, away up in the hills. Out over th Goshdurned still the coyotes were a cooning boozey, just all over there, when a sudden thunder and a mournful digging sound came, and he knew just then it was the Doin It Fer Boys back from the valley.

Tommy put down his acorn and pressed tight up to big ol Mr. Elm. It was going to be a hard night, hard and tight and nighty.

The end of the line.

2004-10-24T21:13:00.001-07:00

The door whipped open and John was there, taking a leak, urinating desperately amidst civil unrest. He looked up at the open door, the snarling dogs, Cuerva Martinez and his band, the trumpet player with one eye, gold teeth, the ocelot clawing, tipping forward through the window, and the deputy with his cigar and his mouth, spouting all manner of curious words.

--Door knob, safety pin, green card, ink pen--

John looked down, tugging the zipper, trying to hurry. But so much tea had been drank, and there was so much more to go.

The last hot dog

2004-10-16T21:02:00.000-07:00

Biff looked at the hot dog laying on the ground. It had a bee on it. "Hey," he said to his mom, "that a bee on that hot dog?"

"What?" she asked, turning to look. Chocolate dripped from her mouth as she stared at the weiner. "Bee? Nah, that's a hot dog. Ain't no bees."

"But you said--"

"Don't you mind what I said, boy," she interrupted.

Biff tried not to, but she had said so many things it seemed he was bound to mind one of them at some point.

Ginger and Tommy, peace at last, Lord.

2004-10-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

"I'm hungry," Tommy said, cluthing his stomach, which suddenly felt hollow and distant. This prompted a sharp pain. "Argh!" he cried. "My tummy feels like staples!"

"That's stupid." Said Ginger. But then she caught herself, as Tommy stomach erupted like a tiny volcano, and hundreds of ants sprayed out. "Ohmygosh."

Tommy stared at his swollen, distended stomach. It looked like a balloon, except it had an opening, and was full of ants. I had a balloon like that, he thought. One year at the fair. "Remember?" he asked Ginger. "That time at the fair? I shouldn't have eaten so many hot dogs."

"I remember," Ginger said. But she couldn't. She couldn't ever remember going to the fair with this stupid kid, and besides that, the ants were stinging her, and she was thirsty. "Hey,"she said. "I'm gong home. This is really stupid."

She was right; it was. And Tommy gurgled as the ants carried him away, over the hill and into some unfathomable tunnel.

Right at the End of the Party.

2004-09-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

I looked up to the grim hollow light that topped the hill: the last shot of cannon and a black throat of silence. Around me were corpses, 2,000 head, just tumbling along down the slope like balls of red ice marbling away. All dead, my friends rolled past. I threw down my pen knife and swore, never again. Never.

A dog showed up with a dumb lolling tongue, and it led me to Jesus who was astride a gay mare. I fell to the ground and slaughtered the thing to a spigot of blood. The birthday party had ended.

A heist's close.

2004-09-27T08:51:00.000-07:00

Simon got down on all fours and started barking, just like the man told him to. He barked at the girl who had been running the cash register; she was affecting a soft, starry mew interspersed with jagged hisses. The man emitted a little stone of a laugh as he watched the pair in the aisle. Wave a gun around, Simon thought, and you can turn people into any kind of animal you want.

Last Days of the Valley?

2004-09-26T07:38:00.000-07:00

And looking up from the field, across the hill, there came to the valley and new sight: a long line of giant gorillas, down from the mountain at last to feed. Tam watched them as the entered the village and began picking up women and cattle. The days were new, and short, and she felt a pain in her chest; the dreaded Nights of Banana had begun once more.

In the Days of Captain Osterparks

2004-09-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

The captain raises his glass and takes a sip, then spits his wine all over the table. “This is poisoned!” He cries.

The first mate rushes up. “Poisoned, sir? How do you know?”

The captain throws the glass to the floor. “Because it tastes the same as it did yesterday when I put poison in it to experience the flavor first-hand!” He shouts triumphantly. He knows he has outsmarted someone, listening somewhere, but in his shining moment, when he expects his crew to cheer, his only prize is a sea of blank stares.

Night at Parkapus Hill.

2004-09-23T08:29:00.000-07:00

“My god!” the doctor shouts. “It’s breathing!”

Everybody in the emergency room turns to look. In shock, they watch as the tortillas and cheese begin a steady expansion and contraction. The quesadilla is breathing, and God only knows what it will do next.

Derek wins?

2004-09-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

Derek narrowed his eyes. This was it. He felt it: his moment of truth, of glory. He gripped the peg, steeling his nerves. “B-8,” he said.

Alma slumped, deflated. “Christ. That’s it,” she said. She looked out the window and the squirrels in the trees looked defeated too. A long line of losers, stretching back through the history of walnuts and oaks and hibernations. “You sunk my battleship,” she muttered.

Derek stood, triumphant, and slapped Alma in the face, as hard as he could. She took the blow in silence.

“That’s for Louie,” he said, and kicked the table over, spilling pegs and plastic ships everywhere. “This is for all the Louies." Later, much later, years even, when he thought about it, the scene had changed; he recalled Alma shaking with anger, red, whistling like a tea kettle.

A mysterious ending...

2004-09-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

Janice sat there, clutching the opened gift. "It's a hairdryer," she said to Peter. "I got a hairdryer."

"Well that's not so bad. You're hair's always wet, isn't it?" Peter said.

Janice bit her lower lip. "I wanted my baby back," she said. "That baby was mine." She looked at the hairdryer, and then at the floor, and then at the crumpled up wrapping paper; they all seemed to be the same color, and she wondered, what, really, was the difference?

Jimbo and the mouse.

2004-09-21T11:13:00.000-07:00

Jimbo sat the tiny cage on the ground and opened the door. The mouse left the only home it had known, bid farewell, and dashed off singing into the field. Jimbo stood there until long after his little friend had disappeared. He knew that this age would pass, like all others, into memory, that most fragile of histories.

The end of an affair...

2004-09-20T13:01:00.000-07:00

And after all, Susan’s chest heaved, despite her attempts to suppress it. “This isn’t love,” she said. “This is no romance at all.”

She was right. It was motocross.

A Happy Ending.

2004-09-19T21:24:00.000-07:00

At long last the head mistress looked at Muriel with something close to approval. Muriel dared to think that perhaps, before returning to the commons room to be with the rest of the children, she would recieve a cookie. She was not wrong.

Lenny's saga draws to a close.

2004-09-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

"Now that's a funny lookin' baby," Lenny said as a woman with a stroller passed. She frowned at him. All his life, all the way back, Lenny remembered frowns. Then, he remembered sandwiches.

Thad rubbed his wrists

2004-09-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

Thad rubbed his wrists, red from the ropes. They had set him free at last. He said a prayer of thanks as his gaze followed the long procession of birds moving inexorably west. The turkeys were returning, as always, to some impossible source.

Janice looked up...

2004-09-18T09:02:00.000-07:00

Janice looked up at the vaulted ceiling of the train station, with its crystalline, fractured pattern of tiles. "Well that was a pleasant train ride, don't you think?" she said.

Phyllis groaned, and dropped to the floor, shuddering, moaning, and vomiting up pieces of rubber and food the size of eggs as she spun, legs working frantically, in wide circles on the floor.

"Phyllis! Not again!" Janice cried, dropping to her knees.

A man in a hat walked by, then another. "Spadooby," they all muttered.

Harvey laughed.

2004-09-18T08:45:00.000-07:00

Harvey laughed. The boy was fat, but strong. "What a good strong, fat boy," he said. The window open at last, he leaned back into the breeze.

Daniel scratched the dog behind its ears...

2004-09-18T08:17:00.000-07:00

Daniel scratched the dog behind its ears. "Good dog," he said, meaning it. He took a step back. The forest grew hushed as the dog's wiry legs tensed, coiled springs grown tight. The dog leapt, and Daniel watched as it climbed, twenty feet, thirty feet, sixty feet, ninety feet. He stretched his hand, fingers splayed, toward it, as it rose into the pale arch of the heavens.

She sighed...

2004-09-18T08:05:00.000-07:00

A sigh of wind blossomed into the leaves; the trees shook around her. The night was over, the fairies, gone.